ugly tears and lotto wins

It’s been a mellow snow globe type of week here. Henry is loving it, wearing his sweater, as always. He legitimately loves it. When I take it off he shoves it at me until I put it back on. He’s pretty much the cutest. 

Okay so big news! This week was a small humans hockey tournament and I won a valuable award! Did you hear? A VALUABLE AWARD! The lotto tree! I picked it up yesterday morning and I’m not going to lie, I spent all day scratching tickets. Because I have old lady hands it took me forever! Excited to know what I won?????

17 dollars. Whoop whoop.

Other news…

Have we ever talked about my neighbourhood? I have a lovely street with a ton of small humans. Yesterday I realized I had crazy carpets in the back of the car so at school pick up I stole some neighbour kids and we all went tobogganing.

This moment, this isn’t a show. This is happiness. Standing behind the camera is a mama who doesn’t feel good, but this moment, still happiness.

This moment, this isn’t a show. This is happiness. Standing behind the camera is a mama who doesn’t feel good, but this moment, happiness.

This week the menfolk are busy doing whatever it is menfolk do so we got to chatting  on the street and we are communal parenting. Yesterday I was pickup and a neighbour was dinner. Today she’s pickup and I’m dinner. I’ve lived in this city for eight years,  in two houses and I think I’m finally starting to settle. You know that means were going to move,lol.  Oh well that is the Air Force way.

So there are all the sunny sides of my days. The flip side is my arm and my neck hurt a lot a lot and my fhands and feet are so numb and burning, like after you’ve burnt yourself. I’d like to do more things but it’s difficult when you don’t want to touch anything. I did buy an apple pencil so I can type and text with without having to touch the screen when it’s too much for me. I am also in a new drug dose change. We change my drug doses about every 4 weeks to see if we can find a combination that works. So far its not so good. This is a lot of information for you isn’t it? I did say we were honest blogging now. Chronic pain is balls. Super super balls. On the honest note I’m negotiating with husband exactly what we are and are not allowed to share. So far he’s given me a bunch of NO’s but I think I can loosen him up a little.

 

Back to the story.  I am trying to make peace with all this crap. Some days I’m good. Some days I’m shitty and super angry. Today I’m sad/happy. I’m not unhappy I’m just not happy. I had a call from work that they want their equipment back. Flying gear, books, passes, etc. I knew they would, as they should. I should have given it back sooner but the last time I left  the building it was without grace. I was devastated when I was told the squadron was letting me go. As far as I had planned I was healing and going back to flying. I had no idea I was to be let go. And I cried. In uniform. I haven’t been back since.I haven’t worn my uniform since. I think that was in the spring. It’s been months since I’ve been there, years since I really worked, but it is still as raw as it was the day I left and it is hard to let go. That is my last squadron memory and it hurts. So this morning I gathered up my books and put them in a bag and I wept. Not like a little but like my soul hurts. Even now. …

even now, I’m trying to gather myself together enough to see the keys   even now it is so raw, because it is still happening. My husband says it’s torturous to watch, he’s watching the ever so slow death of my dreams, helpless. And I’m in pain.  I’m losing a dream that I loved, that I earned, that I was so proud of, that I loved.  So I ugly cried as I gathered up my books, and I’m ugly crying  and laughing now because I’m sad and I’m scared. It’s time to let that dream go, and I don’t want to.

I thought I would share this so when you look at my beautiful Instagram photos you know that these are my moments. They are the real story, just not the whole story. Even though everything is sucks, I am still me inside and life is still happening so I look for moments of happiness that are happening right now. I can’t look forward because it’s too painful to imagine this is my forever, and it’s not. So one day at a time, breath in and out, ugly cry, then pull yourself together, pay someone to wash your hair and order Chinese food with your neighbours because there are so many good things happening, don’t let the bad take your moments.

What happens when Daddy is away for bedtime.

(moments)

 

 

love K

dating my husband 

Every week husband and I go on a date. Nothing wild, just a couple little local spots we fancy. 

Last week I missed date night with husband, being in Saint Maarten, but I did have the pleasure of going on a date with my travel bestie Cynthia. We went to the most incredible Moroccan restaurant in the town of Marigot

Le Marrakech


It is decorated impeccably from top to bottom, not a tiny piece left untouched and it is ALL incredible and gorgeous. Just being there is such experience. Cynthia, I and a lovely friend that we picked up from the villas all went and had such a beautiful and delicious meal. Saint Maarten is so lovely, you can just pick up friends easily along the way. 

OK so back to married date night. Husband and I go on date night every Thursday. It sounds really beautiful and amazing and you’re all whaaaat????  and I have to say it’s working pretty well. BUT it came out of a place of dark, squinty eyes and anger. Every marriage has its strained years, but I feel like every single one of ours has been strained.  We seem to be magnets of chaos. One of the things that’s important to me in our marriage is to feel special, to feel like I’ve made the short list of importance to him. I don’t have to be number one all the time but top five would be fabulous. I need to have alone time together, not as a parent but just the two of us. I spent years explaining this. We talked about it, nothing, and we talked, nothing, and we talked, nothing. And After a few years I stared at him like “you dumbass all I want is a date.” Nope. Nothing.(note anger growing)  We talked about it with a therapist, I explained it, she explained it, and we both stared at him…..nope, and we stared some more, like “you dumbass.” And finally one day I just hired a sitter. She comes every Thursday night for now and ever after. I said “I am going out, if you would like to come I would love it if you would.” And so spawned date night. It didn’t happen the way that I wanted it to but in the end the outcome is exactly the same and I love date night it is so much fun. Husband loves date night too, I have no idea why it was hard for him to initiate but he’s on board completely. Last night he wore a collared shirt and cologne, we went to a sweet little spot down the street where we shared a pizza and then hoped over to another little spot for drinks.  We came home and looked at pictures of wild pigs in the Bahamas’s (knowledge I have gained watching the Bachelor, see educational!) most important we laughed and had a great night. 

Things don’t always happen the way that you wanted but sometimes you get there nonetheless. 

How about you? What makes you happy? Married or single, anything that makes your heart happy. 

Love K

Let’s Talk

Yesterday was Bell Lets talk day and I posted #BellLetsTalk on Facebook. I wanted to draw attention to the day and let people know that I am here if you need to talk. What I got in response was this amazing outreach of comments and contacts. I think I forgot that I need to talk to friends too. I am so so touched by the response. I hope every single one of you knows how much it meant to me. We have had  a hard year. Hard. Hard. Hard. We have had some hard years but last year was really the shining star of bad years for me. I know that you know but still, I put on a show. I know I do, we all do. I think I stopped reaching out with honesty because I think if you spend any time with me you will see how I am broken.


I’m not afraid that you know that, I’m afraid that it will make you feel sad, and that will make me sad. Fake it till you make it. Sometimes thats important. I do have people I talk to. Lots of people, people with many letters behind their names. I’m not alone and honestly we are in a pretty good place right now.

I would love to tell you I’m dealing well with all my life changes since my surgery* and Bens accident, but I’m not. It’s a constant struggle and adjustment. But like I said right now we are in a pretty good place, it’s just life has taken its toll. Especially this past year. Sooo….Okay lets try this…

You may or may not know that our middle son Benjamin was struck by a car last year. 

He was six years old at the time, we were going to the Air Force Run in Winnipeg and we were so excited to see the airplanes, which is funny because we can go see them any day.

I guess there were visiting planes as well this day which were more exciting. We were also thrilled we brought our neighbours with us and they had never been to see the planes. He was bounding along, being so good, and then he was waiting at the end of the street for us. He was just standing there smiling and looking at us, I think he climbed the fire hydrant, as far as he’s allowed to go, and he was waiting for me to catch up. I don’t walk very quickly anymore*, much slower than a childs pace. So he was waiting and smiling and we got there. I was chatting about batman and some other super hero with the other kids, only a foot or two away. The light changed and in this quickest instant that is now burned in slow motion into my head, I blinked, i think i was laughing, i know i was happy, he turned to look at me, we made eye contact, he smiled his sweet sweet Benjamin smile and he turned in slow motion, I saw a shadow and screamed and reached for him, but I’m too slow.
And my life changed forever.

I think that is all I can say for today. I am going to watch a movie with sweet Lily. I’ll take beautiful pictures of her and hold her so tight. The puppy will snuggle and it will be lovely. I embrace these moments and hold them as hard as I can. This year was hard.

and each one said..this is a miracle

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because your heart is my heart

first step bandages from road/curb/car

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I work hard to get these quiet moments,

Life is still a lot of work these days, so every moment I can get, I will enjoy every second. The show isn’t just a show. Just a snapshot in time. It is the real story, it’s just not the whole story.

I want to thank you for the outreach and the kindness, kindness of friends or a kindness from a stranger. When I melted the Ronald McDonald Hospital electric kettle because I was so tired I put it on the stove burner, a new one magically appeared. My neighbours who fed my family for a month so I didn’t have to think. I’m always surprised when people tell me I’m strong. This doesn’t feel strong. I don’t feel strong. I feel lost and scared. I didn’t do this, I have an amazing community and family that came together and held me up. I wasn’t standing strong, they were just holding me. Thank you.

I want you to know I am happy. When you see my smiling with my children and my husband, its not a lie. I’m so in love and so grateful have them all….but I’m also a giant bucket of hot mess and now you know that, but I suspect you may have already.

There you go. All my secrets are out. Thank you for allowing me the comfort to share a tiny piece of my story.

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my spinal tap leak hospital stay

I really am happy, look how loved I am. (I’m just a bit of a sad/lonely/scared happy.)

but Look how loved I am.

Love K
*I had a ACDF C5/6  aka spinal fusion or “the Peyton Manning”surgery in 2015. They removed a disc and replaced it with a door bone (my hip bone) and they secure it all together, screws, titanium, etc.  “Easy peasy lemon squeezy” It was expected to heal very well and I would return to normal function; much like Peyton Manning. As it turns out it has not healed as expected. I am unfortunate to have spinal cord damage, Central Nervous System damage, nerve damage, etc. It comes with a whole bucket of fun. I, and I quote “will never regain the high functioning status I once had”.

It will not heal unless technology advances or we have  a miracle. But I think I already claimed my miracles in this life… very well used if I do say so myself.

The Butterfly Farm

Today we had the pleasure of visiting the Butterfly Farm in St Martin. 


I had the opportunity to go two years ago and it was on my list of things to do again. It was just as sweet as ever. A little garden oasis with beauty fluttering  all about.  

The visits starts out with a guided and super entertaining tour. I would consider this tour is suitable for all ages. Not much walking at all, plenty of benches, water and beer for 2$. I loved our guide, he was funny and quite charming, sorry husband.

K so quickly some of my favourite highlights. 

Today’s favourite fact: butterflies have no mouths.  They drink through a “straw”. 


If you look closely at this Blue Morpho (I think I got that right) if you look closely you can see her straw here. Apparently the fermented fruit is like and open bar for the Butterfly, who knew butterflies were drinkers?! When she’s done she coils up the straw. We followed the Blue Morpho about in hopes it would land on us but they were all a flutter and quite frisky today. 

I also loved the Monarch Butterfly, not just because they are about the only butterfly I see in Canada but because it’s name comes from its beautiful golden crown in the chrysalis stage. 
 

The Owl Butterfly: This little guy disguises himself as a predator (on the right). 


And if you flip him over… an owl

And so we had a lovely morning visit puttering about, we finished with a lazy beach afternoon in Grand Case. 

 How was everyone else’s day?

don’t be blue baby 

Hello hello, 

I’m coming to you today from the most incredible little island spot.  Edit
I flew down yesterday with a girlfriend from College, we both were in need of a little time out so it could not have been more perfect. 

I’m hoping everyone had a wonderful week and didn’t freeze to death if you were part of that vicious cold snap up north. I am recovering from my case of the Mondays. It’s not a one day fix, but I will find my place and my rhythm in this new life. You may not all know that I used to be an Air Force pilot. I injured my neck and had surgery about 2 years ago. The surgery didn’t take as well as it should have, there was already too much damage. We can chat about the specifics another day if you’re interested. I  guess technically I am still a pilot but they refuse to let me fly with meds!  Sleep tight, they do check the pilots. Lol. 

So as I sit here on a beautiful island I have stuck in my head Blue Monday. Did you know that Blue Monday is an actual thing?!! I know! It’s considered to be the most depressing day of the year, what fun! It is determined each year by a highly scientific, found on the internet, formula. (I found it on the google therefor I know it to be truth.)My case of the Mondays is an ongoing adjustment to my new life and overall I’m doing well. I struggle with acceptance and how I feel physically but I feel I’m on the right path. But I worry about others. Depression/sadness/blues/ chronic pain are hard to see. What should chronic pain look like? 

Is it this?

I’m taking a lift from the handicap assist car in the Toronto Airport. It was too far to walk while carrying my purse. I wonder what people think when they see me, I don’t scream pain. 

Or this? 


I just left the hospital  Pain Clinic. I do muscle injections every 6 weeks. I used to have to sit nauseous with my head between my knees for at least an hour before I could drive. Now I’ve got the hang of it and I just have to get a cup of tea and mellow. I don’t think that story shows in my face. I wear bright red lipstick to cover it up, and I smile. I always smile. Smile smile smile. Right up until I pass out/black out I smile. This I know from fact. I am happy and I like to smile. I like to be joyful, being in pain doesn’t mean I’m a different person. I’m still me. You just have to look for my tells to see how I’m actually feeling. Red lipstick, generally a hint. 😉

Back to Blue Monday, I think it’s hard to ask for help, I have resources, so many resources but what if I didn’t? So ….I wondered if I might ask you a tiny favour…. maybe watch and see if you know someone who might need a gentle hug or a listening ear. You have no idea how much it means to someone to have a listening ear, a supportive word, a cup of tea. 

I hope that tomorrow is a gorgeous day for you, I’m going to do my best to post some fabulous pictures, I have an amazing week ahead and I cannot wait to share it with you. I hope I can bring you a little joy and inspiration. 

Love K

Old Man Winter

Oh my good heavens it is so cold here this week. I want to say it’s -40 C but I’m afraid to look. For those of you who live in America -40 C is pretty much -40 F which either way you write it is sweet sweet cold. This morning I wore my old military flying snow pants in order to keep my legs from turning into frozen statues. (Truth be told I do love bib overalls, always have, so cosy.) After small human drop off Henry didn’t even try to make his routine back lane garbage break for it.


I love how he loves to always have a paw on me. He’s just the sweetest. 
We have sort of been adjusting to these prairie winters and have a few go to things that we like to do. If we’re willing to venture out: 

1. We have a pass to the city Museum, it has a space centre where we can build racecars and play with science experiments, were kind of geeky, I like that. 

2. Roaming IKEA. I heard there are IKEA hide and go seek leagues. I’m trying to convince Husband but so far he’s a bit resistant. 

3. The Forks Market here in Winnipeg is fabulous. I love how they’ve  redone it. If you haven’t seen it since the redo put it on your must do list.My children are currently addicted to Pokémon Go, it’s a great spot for it.  I love the skating, the little shops, the craft beer/wine bar. It’s a pretty big win for all of us. 

OK so let’s say we are not willing to venture out, some of the things we like to do are. 

1. The most obvious is electronics. Any form of electronics. If it has electricity my children want it. We’ve adopted a rule where if you’d like to play electronics you have to read for that amount of time in order to get it so it’s a double win. In the same line, Books on tape. Or the new version books on iPad. Remember when you were a child “when you hear the chime turn the page” I found them in the iTunes Store and I think they are so freakin fabulous, they make me all happy and nostalgic. 

2. Painting. Yes with all this white we love painting. We have a big old tarp,  I think it was a duvet cover that we put out on the table. We picked up little craft paints at the dollar store and we have paint parties. We paint paper,we paint canvas, we paint rocks, you give it to and we’ll paint it for you! Lol 

3. Hide and go seek. We have an old century home filled with all kinds of weird little cubbies and nooks and crannies. The only important thing is to count how many players you have at the start, every once in a while someone gets stuck in a drawer somewhere. Oops.

What are your Cold winters day go to’s? I’d love some new suggestions. 

Have a fabulous Friday. I am off to another medical appointment. I’m going to try and be open to random acts of kindness. I feel like it’s a good day to buy a stranger a warm cup of tea. 
Love K

Truthful Thursday

Good Mornings

I thought maybe we would do a little  truthful Thursday. I know I post a lot of clean white pictures and people ask me how I can have so much white? Well A. I love a clean slate, and B. it often cleans more uniformly and C. I try to buy everything machine washable. Including our sofa. Anyway I thought I would share with you what our house actually looks like on a typical morning.

I just snapped this picture quickly this morning. Jack is talking to me about something, I can’t remember what but look at his hands! He is so clearly the son of pilots, I don’t know if you know but pilots love to talk with their hands, its our thing. I didn’t notice when we were talking that he was doing it. Now that I look at it my heart is filled with joy and I couldn’t be prouder. He’s going to be hot stuff …..and I think he know it, that face!

If you look past our overdue library books, yesterdays art and pilot son you can see Henry in his Hudson’s Bay dog Sweater that he refuses to take off and he’s eating someone’s toy. I have no idea what nor do I care. If you don’t want the dog to have it put it up. Mama doesn’t care anymore. Keep going and you can see our crazy lego, skylander,dimensions hot mess toy table. It used to be the train table but we outgrew the trains somewhere along the way,  we painted it with chalkboard paint and it is a completely repurposed fabulous toy table.

And finally behind that Lily And Benny are having hot cereal by the fire, while riding a wooden sled. I mean why not, our children are quite the indoor kids during the winter. city kids, unfortunate seeing as we live in the prairies, filled with nature, and snow, and stuff. If you look closely Benny is brandishing a metal Christmas tree and Lily is about to hit him with that pillow, that OR the pillow is a reindeer and the tree is a present they are out delivering. I’m not sure. Both stories work for me.

So welcome, welcome to our morning routine. Whats yours like? Feel free to send pictures or post and tag me on Instagram. #thislovelyday

Have a beautiful day

love K