Yesterday was Bell Lets talk day and I posted #BellLetsTalk on Facebook. I wanted to draw attention to the day and let people know that I am here if you need to talk. What I got in response was this amazing outreach of comments and contacts. I think I forgot that I need to talk to friends too. I am so so touched by the response. I hope every single one of you knows how much it meant to me. We have had a hard year. Hard. Hard. Hard. We have had some hard years but last year was really the shining star of bad years for me. I know that you know but still, I put on a show. I know I do, we all do. I think I stopped reaching out with honesty because I think if you spend any time with me you will see how I am broken.
I’m not afraid that you know that, I’m afraid that it will make you feel sad, and that will make me sad. Fake it till you make it. Sometimes thats important. I do have people I talk to. Lots of people, people with many letters behind their names. I’m not alone and honestly we are in a pretty good place right now.
I would love to tell you I’m dealing well with all my life changes since my surgery* and Bens accident, but I’m not. It’s a constant struggle and adjustment. But like I said right now we are in a pretty good place, it’s just life has taken its toll. Especially this past year. Sooo….Okay lets try this…
He was six years old at the time, we were going to the Air Force Run in Winnipeg and we were so excited to see the airplanes, which is funny because we can go see them any day.
I guess there were visiting planes as well this day which were more exciting. We were also thrilled we brought our neighbours with us and they had never been to see the planes. He was bounding along, being so good, and then he was waiting at the end of the street for us. He was just standing there smiling and looking at us, I think he climbed the fire hydrant, as far as he’s allowed to go, and he was waiting for me to catch up. I don’t walk very quickly anymore*, much slower than a childs pace. So he was waiting and smiling and we got there. I was chatting about batman and some other super hero with the other kids, only a foot or two away. The light changed and in this quickest instant that is now burned in slow motion into my head, I blinked, i think i was laughing, i know i was happy, he turned to look at me, we made eye contact, he smiled his sweet sweet Benjamin smile and he turned in slow motion, I saw a shadow and screamed and reached for him, but I’m too slow.
And my life changed forever.
I think that is all I can say for today. I am going to watch a movie with sweet Lily. I’ll take beautiful pictures of her and hold her so tight. The puppy will snuggle and it will be lovely. I embrace these moments and hold them as hard as I can. This year was hard.
I work hard to get these quiet moments,
Life is still a lot of work these days, so every moment I can get, I will enjoy every second. The show isn’t just a show. Just a snapshot in time. It is the real story, it’s just not the whole story.
I want to thank you for the outreach and the kindness, kindness of friends or a kindness from a stranger. When I melted the Ronald McDonald Hospital electric kettle because I was so tired I put it on the stove burner, a new one magically appeared. My neighbours who fed my family for a month so I didn’t have to think. I’m always surprised when people tell me I’m strong. This doesn’t feel strong. I don’t feel strong. I feel lost and scared. I didn’t do this, I have an amazing community and family that came together and held me up. I wasn’t standing strong, they were just holding me. Thank you.
I want you to know I am happy. When you see my smiling with my children and my husband, its not a lie. I’m so in love and so grateful have them all….but I’m also a giant bucket of hot mess and now you know that, but I suspect you may have already.
There you go. All my secrets are out. Thank you for allowing me the comfort to share a tiny piece of my story.
I really am happy, look how loved I am. (I’m just a bit of a sad/lonely/scared happy.)
but Look how loved I am.
*I had a ACDF C5/6 aka spinal fusion or “the Peyton Manning”surgery in 2015. They removed a disc and replaced it with a door bone (my hip bone) and they secure it all together, screws, titanium, etc. “Easy peasy lemon squeezy” It was expected to heal very well and I would return to normal function; much like Peyton Manning. As it turns out it has not healed as expected. I am unfortunate to have spinal cord damage, Central Nervous System damage, nerve damage, etc. It comes with a whole bucket of fun. I, and I quote “will never regain the high functioning status I once had”.
It will not heal unless technology advances or we have a miracle. But I think I already claimed my miracles in this life… very well used if I do say so myself.