ugly tears and lotto wins

It’s been a mellow snow globe type of week here. Henry is loving it, wearing his sweater, as always. He legitimately loves it. When I take it off he shoves it at me until I put it back on. He’s pretty much the cutest. 

Okay so big news! This week was a small humans hockey tournament and I won a valuable award! Did you hear? A VALUABLE AWARD! The lotto tree! I picked it up yesterday morning and I’m not going to lie, I spent all day scratching tickets. Because I have old lady hands it took me forever! Excited to know what I won?????

17 dollars. Whoop whoop.

Other news…

Have we ever talked about my neighbourhood? I have a lovely street with a ton of small humans. Yesterday I realized I had crazy carpets in the back of the car so at school pick up I stole some neighbour kids and we all went tobogganing.

This moment, this isn’t a show. This is happiness. Standing behind the camera is a mama who doesn’t feel good, but this moment, still happiness.

This moment, this isn’t a show. This is happiness. Standing behind the camera is a mama who doesn’t feel good, but this moment, happiness.

This week the menfolk are busy doing whatever it is menfolk do so we got to chatting  on the street and we are communal parenting. Yesterday I was pickup and a neighbour was dinner. Today she’s pickup and I’m dinner. I’ve lived in this city for eight years,  in two houses and I think I’m finally starting to settle. You know that means were going to move,lol.  Oh well that is the Air Force way.

So there are all the sunny sides of my days. The flip side is my arm and my neck hurt a lot a lot and my fhands and feet are so numb and burning, like after you’ve burnt yourself. I’d like to do more things but it’s difficult when you don’t want to touch anything. I did buy an apple pencil so I can type and text with without having to touch the screen when it’s too much for me. I am also in a new drug dose change. We change my drug doses about every 4 weeks to see if we can find a combination that works. So far its not so good. This is a lot of information for you isn’t it? I did say we were honest blogging now. Chronic pain is balls. Super super balls. On the honest note I’m negotiating with husband exactly what we are and are not allowed to share. So far he’s given me a bunch of NO’s but I think I can loosen him up a little.

 

Back to the story.  I am trying to make peace with all this crap. Some days I’m good. Some days I’m shitty and super angry. Today I’m sad/happy. I’m not unhappy I’m just not happy. I had a call from work that they want their equipment back. Flying gear, books, passes, etc. I knew they would, as they should. I should have given it back sooner but the last time I left  the building it was without grace. I was devastated when I was told the squadron was letting me go. As far as I had planned I was healing and going back to flying. I had no idea I was to be let go. And I cried. In uniform. I haven’t been back since.I haven’t worn my uniform since. I think that was in the spring. It’s been months since I’ve been there, years since I really worked, but it is still as raw as it was the day I left and it is hard to let go. That is my last squadron memory and it hurts. So this morning I gathered up my books and put them in a bag and I wept. Not like a little but like my soul hurts. Even now. …

even now, I’m trying to gather myself together enough to see the keys   even now it is so raw, because it is still happening. My husband says it’s torturous to watch, he’s watching the ever so slow death of my dreams, helpless. And I’m in pain.  I’m losing a dream that I loved, that I earned, that I was so proud of, that I loved.  So I ugly cried as I gathered up my books, and I’m ugly crying  and laughing now because I’m sad and I’m scared. It’s time to let that dream go, and I don’t want to.

I thought I would share this so when you look at my beautiful Instagram photos you know that these are my moments. They are the real story, just not the whole story. Even though everything is sucks, I am still me inside and life is still happening so I look for moments of happiness that are happening right now. I can’t look forward because it’s too painful to imagine this is my forever, and it’s not. So one day at a time, breath in and out, ugly cry, then pull yourself together, pay someone to wash your hair and order Chinese food with your neighbours because there are so many good things happening, don’t let the bad take your moments.

What happens when Daddy is away for bedtime.

(moments)

 

 

love K

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