Blurt

OK, so do you guys want to hear my blurt of the day? I had to hire a sitter to come and take the smalls to school, so I could take middle child to the doctor.  He needs to have a pre-op report done for the special dental surgery that he needs due to the PTSD he has from the car accident where he got hit by the Volvo that ran the light. Ironically, we own a Volvo; I’m not sure if I’ve ever mentioned that. I almost had to sell it. Now I just can’t think about it too hard, or I get that heaviness in my chest (mostly on the right side, because the left side of my body has less feeling). So we’re going to the doctor with the largest small human in tow because he keeps coming home from school early with a headache, (is it normal for a kid to have headaches and this low-grade fever for weeks on end?) and every time anything happens I immediately worry about his heart.  If you didn’t know the largest small human had open-heart surgery when he was a baby. They fixed it and it’s wonderful……except….we have to go in and have his heart checked every year to see if all the pieces are growing at the same rate, otherwise we’d have to have another heart surgery. It’s 50/50, our doctor once said, ‘I know you want me to give you an answer either way just yes or no, so you don’t have to live in the constant worry’, but he said ‘I can’t, it’s just how things go’. So basically every year in the background I live in fear of that. So when my son comes home with headaches all the time, and not feeling well it bumps up my worry level.  At this point I’m just like come on! I have had enough! I’ve done enough; our family has paid our dues and I just want something to be easy. OK, so deep breaths, deep breaths, deep breaths.

People ask me how do you do it? One answer is that time just keeps going and you don’t get a choice. The other answer is that I work really hard at it. I work hard to breathe deeply. I work hard not to be overwhelmed. I work hard just to do one piece at a time, and just let it be. I work hard to accept and see every moment that is joyful. I let things go — so many things.

me explaining to husband cleaning the toilet means cleaning the WHOLE thing, and to be honest why should I clean it, anatomically I don’t think this could have been me!

 I am not the perfect mother. I’ve stopped baking; I’m so tired.  I bought muffins at Costco (it felt dirty like I was cheaping out on the motherhood thing) and you know what?! They’re effing delicious. My kids will never eat my homemade shoved-in-zucchini muffins again; I’m screwed. I pay someone to pick up my kids from school when I’m too tired and can’t do it. I don’t make school lunches (minus heating up Alpha Getty in the morning for Lily); Husband does it. Husband folds laundry because it hurts my arm to do it. I wash and dry but folding is out. We decided at some point that grocery shopping was not worth my energy. It’s all about conservation of energy, choosing where you put it. My house is often messy and I don’t really care. I mean I do, gosh I care SOOO much, but I have to let it go. Breathe in, breathe out, and then go and play hide-and-go-seek, because that’s what my children will remember and that’s what I’ll remember. Last night Lily and I hid under the bed, so when Adam came downstairs we could grab his ankles. He found Lily but not me, but then she ratted me out, (booooo!) I was going to scare the shit out of him when he leaned in to kiss her good night. So I’d say I’m not your typical mom, but I’m having a lot of fun. That’s how I’m doing it… I think?

ON a happy note, we are selling the home which means finishing all our projects and HOME TOUR!!! Which room(s) would you like to see first?

xoxo love K

2 thoughts on “Blurt

  1. Rana says:

    It sounds to me as though you totally have your priorities straight! You’re darn tootin’ the kids are going to remember cuddling and reading, hide and go seek, sheet forts, eating muffins and laughing even while you just sit there and watch sometimes. Everyone has clothes, someone else can do the shopping (I’m sure you have a lovely service there too where you can order online and just pull up to pick it all up or even get it all delivered). It TrULY IS all about where you put your energy and what feels right. We all have a finite amount. I am so excited for you and this move. I know you love your neighbourhood and have worked hard at it so that’ll certainly be a drag to leave. GEEBUS, your family certainly has been through the wringer more than once, I want you to get a break and breathe easier.

    On a side note, we have had very mild fever, low energy and headaches in our household for a few months now, moving from one person to the next.

  2. Susy Cushman Dhillon says:

    You are so courageous. And being present in this present moment is all we can be. You are delegating and it takes a wise person to realize it. I think you are ebbing and flowing healthily through life. Keep it up Kate!!!!

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